every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my shit smells like andre
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
