Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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