I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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