Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
