i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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