sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I need a beard to bite.
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