So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
