My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
