I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize