I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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