it wasn't lemon gatorade
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
