he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
