yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
