when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
