I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
