I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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