and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize