Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
