my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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