No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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