Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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