A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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