A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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