Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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