walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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