So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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