My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I will pee on everything he values.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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