it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
