I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
