I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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