As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
