Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
