dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
