new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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