Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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