clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
