We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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