Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
