I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
