If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
