she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
40s are totally the cure
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
