Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
