just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
