the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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