Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize