She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
