U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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