If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize