Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize