I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
