I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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