I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
