i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
