And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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