I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
