Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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