That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
