Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
