New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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