i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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