dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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