I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
