I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
