I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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