Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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