you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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