you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
