I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
