Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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