So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
im on a boat
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