I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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