I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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