Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
