2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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