so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
