I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
