I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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