fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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