I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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